File Naming Conventions
“Big Paper”
I have a theory …
As an avid conspiracy theorist (actually, I prefer the term “conspiracy factualist”), the recycling kerfuffle the other day logically led me to believe that our cleaning people are under the control of “Big Paper.” It all makes sense. With the summer picnicking season nigh upon us, demand for quality paper products is on the rise, which we all know “drives up” the price of crude paper on the world market. (Of course, what this really means is that price-gouging paper fat cats seize on the opportunity to raise the price of napkins to ridiculous levels.)
How do you fight these price increases? Increase the supply, of course.
What’s one way to do that? Lots of recycling.
How do reduce the supply of crude paper and keep paper prices high? Supress recycling, of course!
It all fits. Who better to draw into their vast conspiracy than poor Eastern European (potentially “undocumented”?) immigrants? Eager to earn a meager living, they don’t speak the language and are easily influenced with the promise of trinkets and baubles. The perfect foils. Thank goodness Amie uncovered the nefarious scheme and blew the proverbial whistle (via e-mail)!
But I fear it hasn’t stopped there, my friends. You’ll recall that among the most vocal critics of the recycling snafu was one Kari Schulz. “This thing with the cleaners is completely unacceptable!” [emphasis added] she raged. And what happened? POOF! By the end of the day she was gone, whisked away in an unmarked van (or so I presume) to God knows where. All we can do now is pray she does not wind up in the hands of James Watt*. More likely, she will be set loose on a remote Wyoming ranch to be hunted down by Dick Cheney and his merry band of Big Paper cronies (Big Paper and Big Oil often vacation together).
And yes, that means that here at GS it goes to the very top. How do we know what *really* goes on up there at The Highlands, anyway? “Manhunts” are real, folks. I saw it on Giligan’s Island!
So … I don’t know about you, but I’m going to stop recycling immediately. Screw the environment — I want to live!!!
*Former Secretary of the Interior under Ronald Reagan and notorious tree hater. Unnamed sources have informed me he now runs a secret Abu Ghraib-style detainment camp for recycling sympathizers.